by Burgerman » 16 Aug 2021, 01:35
My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
How do you fix a broken gorilla?
With a monkey wrench.
I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is
No sun.
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
We cannot allow this year to end,
That would be admitting that 2021.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.
So I sat down on the couch and looked comfortable, that did the trick.
What can coronavirus do that the United States government can’t?
Stop school shootings.
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
One time I debated a flat earthier.
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I have never been caught in a traffic jelly.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?
A shoe!
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells “gnihton”, which also means nothing.
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no.
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges.
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men.
We’re losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing.
Finland have just closed their borders.
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I guess China finally got what they wanted/
They managed to coronise the world.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
Caveman discovers weed.
Caveman discovers fire.
Stone age begins.
When single women get to the age of 50, they tend to adopt lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait.
Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
I told my therapist that I am having suicidal thoughts.
He now makes me pay in advance.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.”
Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can’t remember either.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals.”
One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”
“N,” she answered.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there’s no dental records.
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breasts?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I just lost my job as a zookeeper.
In my defense there were signs everywhere saying “please don’t feed the animals”.
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
My wife and I share a sense of humor.
We have to. She doesn’t have one.
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater.
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
What did Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?
HDMI
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it.
Just in case there’s a salad dressing.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist.
That kid didn’t help at all.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
I was grocery shopping yesterday when I saw this beautiful young woman.
I said to her, “I can’t seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?”
“Sure, but how will that help?”
“Once she sees me talking to you, I’ll bet you anything she’ll appear out of nowhere.”